Marked Variation in Mating Tendencies of Northern California Males Aged 23-29: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis

A Scientific Paper based on the results of my dating form

Abstract

Background

I made a Google Form for guys who want to date me (as a joke) but after 400+ responses, I felt an obligation to the scientific community to write a research paper.

Objective

To describe the patterns of male seduction and dating sentiments for such creatures in the Northern California area.

Method

I displayed a Google Form link on my Hinge and Bumble profiles. These apps distributed my profile across the screens of men aged 23-29, predominantly in the Bay Area, although occasionally in New York, New York.

Results

I obtained 471 responses and non-overtly disgusting data (which I immediately eliminated) from 469 (ha) of those units.

Conclusions

It’s rough out there, man. Also, there’s no rizz like being an average-looking woman living in the Bay.

Keywords

Mating, crypto, AI, multi-level marketing, gerrymandering, Google Forms, Google Sheets

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1. Introduction

Do you ever look at your love life and think - wow, this is so inefficient, I really need to optimize this? Probably not. This is what separates me from you.

Bored of dating in the Bay Area, I was either going to gamify my love life to biohack some serotonin or else give up entirely. After a statistically significantly disappointing date, I was struck by inspiration - by the hour of 1:38 ante meridian, I had composed a manifesto that encapsulated the tropes of the modern dating stage. I shared it with some friends as yet another high-effort joke, and they insisted I put it on my dating profile. At first I refused - would I really ascend to such cosmic levels of cringe? Clearly, yes.

Once I reached a critical mass of respondents, of course I was going to conduct some data analysis, I literally make spreadsheets for a living.

2. Patients & Methods

Men aged 23-29 living in the Bay Area, and sometimes in New York, because I go there frequently. (I am trying to move to New York but doing a very bad job of it.) The method of distribution was adding the survey link to my Hinge and Bumble profiles. That’s organic reach babey.

Note that I did not ask anyone to fill out the form, I just had the link on my profile for the brave and the curious. The survey was open for 22 months and 12 days, from January 25, 2023 through December 6, 2024.

3. Results

3.1 “Guys Literally Only Want One Thing And Its Fucking Dis-”played in This Graph¹

When asked what they were looking for, 4.7% of men resonated with the statement “I’ve got a big old head full of beef and I’m just tryna smash.” However, the greatest share of 23.1% agreed “I am literally on my hands and knees begging for a goddess to worship,” and 8.1% thought the previous answer was “mad kinky” and instead was seeking a “nice Christian suburban wife to birth my five children.”

5.4% affirmed “I have no idea, I’m just a silly little guy [who thinks] commitment is soooo scary.” Although an additional 58.7% had a write-in vote in the “other” section, they can be bucketed into this latter section as well because despite their attempts to hedge, the options provided are clearly MECE.²

3.2 Critical Shortages in the Oxytocin Supply Chain

This study uncovered some critical supply chain issues when it came to feeling the consensual, caring touch of a woman. For 24.8% of men, the greatest share, it had been “20 long years; ever since I enlisted in the army at the precocious age of four” since they had felt the touch of a woman. However, a lucky 14.3% “literally hugged my mom this morning. I love my mom so much. She smells so good.” And 1.3% of men were for the streets, claiming, “I am actively sleeping with SO many ‘people.’ I’d tell you my body count but I can’t count that high.”

3.3 Temporal Spikes in Yearning

When does loneliness strike men most, you may ask. I may answer. Men were most likely to fill out this form on Monday or Saturday (16.0% each), or at 10pm (8.5%). If you’re trying to send a “u up?” text to a guy and he happens to be one of the men who filled out my form (sorry girl) you may have the greatest luck at these times. Interestingly, the tied-for second most frequent time of day was 8am, another time when people may or may not be “up.” (I personally will not be.)

3.4 Correlations Between Seduction and Democratic Participation

82.7% of the men attempting to seduce me were registered to vote, but only 15.6% of them had an enthusiastic sentiment about it (as determined by manual sentiment analysis). Foreigners made up 7.2% of respondents, many from countries that don’t require voter registration and therefore their voter status was not a good indication of their civic participation. 4.7% were, unfortunately, unconcerned civilian non-voters. However, we cannot determine for certain if my profile had a positive, negative, or neutral attraction for men with a strong sense of civic duty. To validate this, the study would have to be replicated in a controlled environment.

3.5 Duplicities and Abundancies in Male Monikers

The most common names of form-fillers are listed below. Very original, guys. Try doing something different for a change.

• 6 Ryans

• 6 Joe/Josephs

• 6 Nick/Nicholases

Depending how pedantic we are, there were 8 John-adjacents: 3 pure Johns, 2 Jonathans, 1 Johnny, 1 Jon, and 1 Jonathy.

The most common non-white name came in a tredecuple tie at #16, Ayush with 3 respondents.

3.6 Males’ Intimacy With Google Sheets

Almost half of men confessed they felt lust towards Google Sheets. For 17.3% this was a straightforward “immense and overpowering lust” at the thought of Google Sheets, with an additional 23.3% of men feeling a more nuanced and bittersweet “aching pain because of the near-unbearable pleasure Google Sheets brings.” The intense passions of love and hate are often conflated, and these emotions are particularly intertwined with the complexity of such a product as Google Sheet. Accordingly, 8.1% of men were filed with an “all-consuming rage” when they thought of Google Sheets, and relatably feel the urge to “pour out lamb’s blood by the moonlight at the witching hour” to unleash this fury.

51.3% felt the dynamic between themselves and Google Sheets was too intricate, too intimate, to be encapsulated by the words of another, and had a write-in answer. In a scenario akin to Romeo-and-Juliette, 8.8% of men were more inclined towards Excel. As a Mac user, we come from different worlds and would never be compatible.³

3.7 Positive Indications I Have The “Fattest Ass” In Modern-Day History

18.6% of men agreed I “have the fattest ass [they’ve] ever seen in [their] life on G*d.” An additional 30.7% of men asserted they were filling out my form out of “morbid curiosity,” indisputably morbid curiosity about the fattest ass they’ve ever seen in their life on G*d. This means for at least 49.3% of men, I have the fattest ass they’ve ever seen, a positive indication that my ass is of great historical significance.

3.8 Creating Romantic Opportunity for Every Member of the Global Workforce⁴

Of the 469 respondents, 218 provided their LinkedIn profiles, with the others withholding, not having a LinkedIn, supplying a fake link, or suggesting I look them up myself. I identified an additional 73 LinkedIn profiles from respondents’ input names or from inferring their names from their email addresses. Of those 291 profiles, I was able to scrape 210 to add to my spreadsheet. (hehehe.) Therefore, my sample size of professional personas was 44.8% of the general form-filler populace.

Unsurprisingly, a significant chunk of these professionals self-identified as engineers (35.2%). 9.0% identified as researchers, 4.3% as founders, and 1.9% mentioned AI in their title.

Men from 57 industries filled out my form. Their average number of LinkedIn followers was 610, and the median was 337. I attracted 7 Google employees (3.3%), 4 Meta employees (1.9%), and NVIDIA was in a quintuple-tie for third, with 3 interested workers (1.4%) - a notable missed arbitrage opportunity.

3.9 The Most Effective Funnels for Romantic Lead Generation

The majority of men reported they found my form via Hinge (59.9%), approximately 3x that of Bumble (20.0%). 1.1% of men claimed they found it via Tinder, which I do not have, so either someone is impersonating me (not good) or Tinder has undergone genericide and is synonymous with “a dating app” (maybe also not so good). While I did not measure the proportion of time I spent on each app, which would certainly factor into how frequently my profile was shown, I believe time spent was approximately equal. I speculate the Hinge rate was 3x higher due to the nature of the app encouraging one-sided first-moves (versus mutual matching), being more text-focused, and permitting fewer likes per day. Since I never asked people to fill out the form, but just had the link on my profile, these elements would naturally encourage more voluntary respondents.

Notably, 1.1% of men asserted they received the form link from my mom, which is not entirely implausible, as my mother has been on my ass about finding a husband. However, I doubt she would be aligned with my methods. Additionally, 1.3% of men claimed they received the link in a dream - very powerful.

4. Discussion

I certified this paper as “peer-reviewed” by, well, showing it to some of my peers. They said - what the fuck, Danielle.

5. Conclusion

After a statistically significant number of responses and not having found the love of my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am the problem here (97%, P = 0.001). However, I did gain a greater respect and affection for the formidable functionality of Google Forms and Google Sheets. Ultimately, I learned that love isn’t found in a person, it’s found in optimization, and the real treasures are the spreadsheets we made along the way. As a result of this study, I have decided to bestow the love normally shared with a romantic partner into a parasocial relationship with Google Suite.

Conflict of Interest Statement

The authors declare no financial, legal, moral, or other conflicts of interest.

Financial Disclosure

This paper presents independent research sponsored by Danielle under her personal checking account funding in Bank of America although she clearly spent $0 on this. The views expressed in this paper are those of the author and not necessarily those of Hinge, Bumble, Google, Alphabet Inc, or the United States Department of Health.

Acknowledgements

We⁵ would like to thank the 469 valiant men aged 23-29 who responded to our survey. We would also like to thank Sundar Pichai, the Google Forms team, and the Google Sheets team for statistical support.

References

Please see the footnotes for all the meme references. I wish I could always footnote my meme references…

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Appendix

My Dating Form

Confirmation Message

A Selection of Survey Responses to the Final Question: “Any questions or concerns?”

Below are some notable submissions, with Personal Identifying Information (PII) redacted for privacy. While 5 respondents confessed their love for me and 2 others proposed marriage, 2 suggested therapy - so kind of them all to care.

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Thanks for reading my Scientific Paper. If you have any questions or concerns well I don’t care. Feel free to write them in the comment section below, where I won’t read them.

1. https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/guys-literally-only-want-one-thing-and-its-fucking-disgusting

2. MECE = Mutually Exclusive and Collectively Exhaustive, i.e. shows all the available options without overlap between them, a term used by consultants and misused by girlies writing pseudo scientific papers

3. Excel on Mac lacks many crucial functionalities that only work on PCs. Also Google Sheets is far superior regardless.

4. The LinkedIn Vision: about.linkedin.com

5. Royal “we”