From a very young age, I’ve been passionate about charity. From singing at nursing homes, to volunteering at soup kitchens, to starting an education nonprofit in college. But I realized I needed to think bigger, bolder.
I used to live in North Beach, as my dad put it, “in the red light district,” beside all the strip clubs. And so I gained a deep feeling of camaraderie with strippers.
There was this little guy with a fedora who worked the door at one of my neighborhood strip clubs, who once said, “Thanks for looking at me. I feel so ugly sometimes.” What a capsule of the human condition. We just want to feel seen. Seen, perhaps, on a stage, gyrating our hips for some dollar bills. Maybe! Just maybe. Stay with me here.
When you really think about it, the fabric of American society is delicately held together by two pillars: strippers and charity. We rely on GoFundMe to make up for the shortcomings of a broken healthcare system and misplaced government aid. OnlyFans Ponzi schemes run rampant. Men used to go to war to die, driven solely by the mere glimpse of the bare ankle of a jazz singer.
Anyways, enough of the philosophical musings, let’s get to the main point where I make my friends and strangers strip for a good cause.
So the concept of Strippers for Charity is everyday folks (not professional strippers) pick a charity they want to support, and all the money they earn from stripping goes to that charity. I originally planned to host this in my house, but realized if I wanted to raise a meaningful amount of money, I would have to broaden the invite to the public, and I wasn’t sure I wanted the public in my home. So I put the idea on the back burner.
Then a couple months ago I organized Sit Club (like Run Club but without the bad parts (running)), and people kept asking how they could stay updated on my future events. And I was like “aha just keep an eye out for flyers on lampposts I guess,” then figured I should make an actual mailing list. I included a field where people could offer me things, “like a venue.” A fellow named Fischer offered The Nook, which hosts art events at no upfront cost with the mission of increasing access to community spaces. With Fischer’s note, I had reeled in exactly what I was fishing for.
I went to check out The Nook with Strippers for Charity in mind. I wasn’t sure if this was the kinda arts community that’s pretentious and does ayahuasca in the woods and would turn their nose at more risque forms of art, or if they’re the sorta arts community that’s chaotic and grungy and inclusive. Luckily, they were the latter, and loved Strippers for Charity. We were in, boys.
I started planning and promoting the event. People had many questions and concerns. Folks who attended or missed Sit Club kept DMing me asking when I’d host another Sit Club meeting. And I told them, “aha there is no next one, however, I am throwing Strippers for Charity!” And they were like, “wow that is a very different event!” (Said, I imagine, with great trepidation.) Actually even many of my friends were afraid to come, protesting (perhaps performatively) that they weren’t the type to frequent strip clubs. Cowards! I told them. And convinced them it was time to face their fears.
I wrote the event description as follows:
A week before the event, I realized my RSVP reminders and text blasts on Partiful weren’t working and was stressed this would kill attendance. I had already started planning a future event “Death Duel” and I’ve attended “Hand Jobs” (not what it sounds like) and was invited to “Lube Wrestling” (exactly what it sounds like), all of which were on Partiful, so I was incredulous they would draw the line at Strippers.
I contacted Partiful and they clarified it was actually cellular services cockblocking me, making it clear they “did not have ANY issue” with strippers (lol). So I had to change the title to the much more family-friendly “Exotic Dancing for Charity.”
A few days before the event, my friend asked if I could connect her with a reporter I knew at the SF Standard to cover another event happening the same night, then realized the two conflicted and said she didn’t want to undermine mine. And I was like, aha that’s okay I do not want The Press at Strippers for Charity. Then literally the next morning, I saw the SF Standard somehow heard about Strippers for Charity and had already written about it. I do not know how the press keeps finding me but I do think at this point I should receive some sort of compensation for single-handedly keeping the free media afloat.
Folks were so proactive about helping! A hobbyist pole dancer found out about the event and connected me with her friend who owned a professional-grade pole, another person offered a Sexy Earth Day themed playlist, and they volunteered to be “pole kittens” and clean the pole between acts. I was so grateful to have some experts who knew what they were doing because I certainly had zero expertise and was just winging shit. It takes a village to run a strip show or whatever it is they say.
Also, I may be veering dangerously close to cult leader territory, accumulating followers at various situations I concoct and shepherding them to my next scheme. Of the folks that stripped, I met one during a scavenger hunt I organized, one at a popup restaurant I created (whose girlfriend also stripped), and one at the Sit Club I established.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if this is an abuse of power, like cult leaders often make their followers do weird sexual things in a bad way. But this was for charity. A good thing! Hmm. Anyways.
Finally, the night came - it was time to make it rain for some good causes and great ass.
I announced each performer by their name, their stripper alias, the charity they were supporting, then read a blurb about their charity.
All the performers were incredible, including:
Not one but two cowboys, one of whom brought a hobby horse, the other who cut a pair of his jeans incredibly short for his costume
“Misty Todgers” performing a Mr. Rodgers-themed burlesque routine to “Won’t you be my neighbor,” in support of the PBS Foundation
“Jane Goodgirl” raising money for the Jane Goodall foundation, whose routine included a gorilla mask, banana pasties, and deep throating a banana to the song “Gorilla”
“Thomas the Spank Engine” performing a mechanic-themed routine for the Clean Air Institute, dancing to “Gas Pedal,” whipping a chain
Two hobbyist pole dancers who pulled out some insane moves on the pole
A former ballet dancer whose routine was not only sexy, but elegant, gradually stripping sevenish layers, from a sweater down three dresses down to pasties
A playful (and multicultural) strip themed around Doraemon
A medical-themed strip for Doctors Without Borders to the song “Disease”
The audience was also incredible, super body-positive and encouraging and it felt so wholesome, as much as an event can be whilst themed around taking your clothes off for money.
Several of my friends told me post-event they were focusing less on the actual performances and more on my “expressions of pride and joy” as I watched the strippers perform.
We ended up raising over $1K for charity! We probably would’ve raised more were we not limited by cash availability, it turns out that it’s very difficult to get $1 bills. “Thomas the Spank Engine” helped get cash pre-event and said he had to check five different places because ATMs don’t give $1 bills, so he ended up getting ~$100ish in $1 bills from a grocery store.
I made a golden charity thong for the dancer who raised the most money for their charity. (Shoutout to Athena for letting me use her Cricut while we coworked in her makerspace, her grinding founder mode, me giggling as I applied vinyl cut letters to a thong.) Alex, one of the hobbyist pole dancers, raised the most money, $190 for Bay Area Workers Support, a charity supporting sex workers in the Bay.
My only regret of the night was not stripping. While I’m sure many people later regret showing their body off for money, I may be the first to regret not doing so. I usually don’t throw the same event twice but will probably reprise this one because I’m feeling a bit of FOMO I didn’t get the chance to dance half-naked in front of my closest friends and furthest strangers.
After the thrill of the night, I had a relaxing morning after, counting wads of dollar bills on my floor, feeling more like a pimp than ever before. Donating the money to all the different charities was a huge pain in the ass, but I suppose that’s my own charity work.
It was a wildly fun night, made possible by so many incredible humans! A huge thank you to The Nook, the strippers, the pole kittens, the pole transporters, the accountants, and everyone who came out to support some great causes and even greater ass.
If you want to join my mailing list to be in the know for Strippers for Charity II and other events concocted in my dark and twisted mind, go to tinyurl.com/sfschemes !
FAQs:
Danielle, have you ever been to a strip club?
Once! With my barista from work, Kyle. It started when Mackenzie and I invited him to get tacos at Run Don’t Walk. That’s not the actual name of the restaurant, that’s just what we call it because it has a sign in front that says something like “Margaritas here. Run, Don’t Walk!” and once when we were walking by we were like oh okay yessir and ran right in. And ever since then, we go there all the time. I also sometimes call it “the margarita restaurant” but fear that makes me sound like an alcoholic. Anyways, me, Mackenzie, Kyle, and Regular Alex got really sloshed on like a Tuesday night and were planning our next move and somehow decided on the nearby stripclub in the Tenderloin, Crazy Horse. However, the cover was $25 and we were like no way. So then we went back home, where all the other strip clubs were, and went around asking what their covers were. They were all $20, and all the bouncers said, “but we have the best tits and ass.” And we said, “We want the worst tits and ass! We want tits and ass that make us feel better about ourselves!” The bouncers didn’t love that. Eventually we made our way into Centerfolds, and I have to say, it was rather underwhelming. The strippers really didn’t have their hearts in it. Kyle took an edible and slept over in our living room, which has JeffDog (Jeff Bezos as a hotdog) in it and said he had shroom-induced nightmares about JeffDog that night. So all in all, I would not recommend the strip club.
won't you please, won't you please...please won't you be my stripper?
This is amazing